The Catalyst's Words of Drabble

They always sound right in your head.
You think of what you've done to get where you want to be.
Consider, what the outcome will be.
Your strive.

I didn't expect myself to land where I am.

I just don't know.

Call me crazy...but...I just need to come down from my nightmare still.

I was finally there, with her. Can you believe it?

She tells me where she works and asks me to come over late at night and talk till 2 in the morning while she keeps my debit card and shirt captive so I don't leave. And being with her...I don't know what its like...its like...the old days online, but for REAL.

When I first saw her, she, made me think of Kat. A lot. I think that's what first drew me to her.

I can't honestly say what it was. Just, some sort of weird connection. That I couldn't ignore.

...I like her.

I'm actually surprised she never noticed me following her sometimes. One time I thought she caught me, because her speed picked up. And well..when that happened, I backed off. Turns out she never knew.

If she had caught me, you know...turned around and said something about it...it probably would have gone more like this.

"Why are you following me?"

And I'd...look away like I wasn't. Make up some lame excuse and be rude about it because it would have caught me off guard so much, panic would have struck in.

"You're going in the same direction I'm going. Okay? Geez."

And then, things might have just have been weird later on. Awkward even. I wouldn't be trying to find out her name and helping her with her problems. Going to her work just to see her smile as she saw me. We probably wouldn't even really begin talking. But, we do. And I do, do those things.

No one will ever understand me like Kat or Mel. They know me pretty well and neither of us have ever met. But, we just know. A connection like ours could probably never be made, but, maybe close.

She makes me think of Kat, but has the wisdom of Mel and her adventurous spirit.

She writes. It makes me laugh. I like her sense of humor. It keeps me interested.

This odd for me...but.

I like her, but I don't want to ruin anything. Two years...could go down the drain in one week. Then where would we be? Awkward.

If I could, I would. Although, I can feel myself saying no to her if she asked me. Because, its just not the right time.

Maybe the right time will come later on, but I have to agree with what she said. It just isn't the right time right now.

"Oh you're everything I'm wanting come to think of it, I'm aching. On account of my transgression...Will you welcome this confession?

Could this be out of line? To say you're the only one breaking me down like this. You're the only one I would take a shot on. Keep me hanging on so contagiously."

Conversation that took place the other night.

"Its late and still no reply. What are you waiting for?"
Something, anything, I know I'll get something.
"-gets a text-"
See!
"But its not when you wanted it."
I know, I wanted her to know.
"She'll know eventually."
I don't think she'll even care.
"But you'll get your own little pleasure of thinking she did."
True. I like that logic.
"-ringing- Its not her this time. Its Kelly."
Oh okay. She wants me to get on WOW tonight.
"So how do you think things are going?"
Quiet I'm on the phone.
"I know..."
I can't talk to you and her at the same time.
"Of course you can. If you can talk to yourself then you can talk to a phone that isn't actually talking to you."
-blinks- Damn, my life is pathetic.
"Here to help it all the time."
Gee, thanks.

I could mostly go on and on about this.
I don't know but things just seem to get wonderful everytime time passes.
Or at least I'm hoping they are.
In my mind they are.
And never...do I ever...think this positive.
I like this feeling, this waiting...happiness? I'm not sure how to explain it.
But, its so nice, warm...a little scary maybe. Scared to lose it.
Its kind of like drinking vodka..at first there's the sting of taking the risk to swallow and then...there's a nice, wonderful warm sensation.
-smiles- I just wish I could take the shot.
I worry the feeling will leave or won't happen though.

Perhaps I should take someone's special advice and go for it...maybe soon, but not yet.

The Catalyst and her Cell Phone:

You died on me today.
"You didn't charge me right."
At least it was when he called and not when ...'they' called.
"You should be greatful."
I am.
"48 minutes this time. Still lacked."
I couldn't help it, still get jitters I guess.
"You need to get over that or this dream of yours will never get anywhere."
Yes it will. All good things take time.
"Psht."
-sighs- Well, at least I hope.
"They said they'd help."
Wouldn't that be weird if I told them that they knew the person..*coughs*
"-snickers a vibrate on the table- That would be amusing."
Shut up, you're supposed to be helping me.
"Why don't you switch me to T Mobile."
Because...that's not my choice.
"Then my help will lack, so deal with it."
What if I got you some new wallpaper?
"I am pretty tired of this Polar Bear and Tree..."
I'll go searching some time.
"I doubt that. You can't even tell this girl your feelings, like hell you'll buy me a wallpaper."
Maybe you're right...maybe I can't tell her...or maybe I just wanna wait for the right time to tell her.

So, did I do better this time?
"You didn't call."
So!
"That doesn't exactly say you did better, that says you did nothing."
I spoke more..
"Yes, well, I suppose so."
That should count for something.
"Hardly. You never started much."
I'm not good at timing. I'm afraid they'll start speaking too. Then its all awkward..
"You'll never know til you try."
I'm not recording Lifehouse songs on you anymore..
"My batt is getting low again, shouldn't you plug me in?"
Plug yourself in. I have an issue.
"Yes...which is why we're trying to discuss it."
It doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.
"You're not putting any effort into it. Like you can't get yourself to call them."
I'll get around to it eventually. Someday.
"Like how you were supposed to call about that Bring Me With You Card?"
My moms gonna kill me for not calling about that.
"Exactly you failure. You need to get over your fear of me."
I do better in person, that's all.
"Perhaps to get there you need to use me first. Face it, there hasn't been--"
SHHT! Gods you're such a blab phone. I should trade you in for a razor.
"A razor?! HA! You could never live with its keyboardlessness text messaging."
I hate it when you're right.
"I'm always right."
You're a phone...how are you always right?
"I know everything. I'm connected to the internet you know."
And..--
"What?"
Why am I even talking to a phone?
"Because--"
-turns off the phone-
Maybe I do need to go back to that shrink.

I don't know why I find it easier to post here rather than Myspace, but I guess its the same reason I made in an earlier post on here.

Live Journal is more private than Myspace with millions of unwashed masses who can destroy your life because practiacally the whole world is connected. Although I know there are wonderful features such as private EVERYTHING. That actually pisses me off when people have their sites like that. Though I can understand privacy and not wanting certain people peeping in on you. But still, I'd like it to where I at least know who is trying to add me rather than coming to a blank site that is private. Not even a picture or anything. Just blank. And with all the privacy you have to go through sometimes I even wonder if its worth it. I mean there's some things I might want to say and I don't want some of the people on my friends list to know. So you go and set this to this and that and what not but you know what? Somewhere along the line, the person who you want to read it might be a friend of a friend who's the friend you don't want to see it and you'd just be lucky enough for them to find out anyway and your life is damned right there.

But moving away from that subject, I guess right now I'm getting ready for my long needed trip and I can already hear some of the people I know begin to celebrate. Or possibly its just me being my pessimistic self again, which my mind is stuck in and knows no op.

I think my mind is fucked as far as anything goes. I mean, let me ask you, do you ever see yourself die? Just die. No, not suicidal thoughts of you dying as a pleasure in your own twisted head...just...an image, an event happening, of you...dying. I do. Sometimes it disturbes me, other times it amuses me and I like to think of the people who would actually care and possibly regret what they've done to me if its negative. I guess that's how I get my own sick twisted pleasure of making people feel bad in my own head. Its more of a fantasy dream sort of thing.

LOOK WHAT YOU DID! AND YOU CAN'T TAKE IT BACK BECAUSE I'M DEAD!

-shrugs- I don't know. Sometimes I see other people die. That's also disturbing. I think its my minds defensive system for saying "Now look what happened that you thought that. Doesn't that make you feel bad you thought that way?"

Damn my own mind and its thoughts.

-glances at her cell phone- >.<
"Pick me up, you know you want to call."
No!
"It's not hard, just dial and say some words. More than you did last time."
I can't...
"Aww, why?"
I'm scared.
"What are they gonna do?"
I could think of pleanty of things...
"You're too negative."
And you're running low on batt, what the hell I just charged you!
"You've dropped me too..."
Oh, right.
"Just make the call. The worst thing that can happen is a hang up."
Not really..I can think of worse. That actually might be nice.
"There you go again."
I can't help it.
"They deserve a call from you for a change."
I don't like phones.
"Neither do they, but the called anyway. Doesn't that say anything to you?"
Yes, they're braver than I am.
"UGH! CALL!"
I can't!
"Why not!?!?!"
What if they think I'm a freak? I hardly..*sigh*
"You might never hear from them again."
You don't know that.
"Text messages and internet don't always work. You have to use me sometime."
Shut up and die.
"..."
Shit.

It took me until this morning to actually feel like I was losing my mind. During church, I always have someone I can think of, someone that will relax my mind, but, all during church, my mind couldn't rest on one person and it caused me to meltdown inside. I mulled over and over in my head, trying, searching, for someone, anyone. I ran over names several times. Nothing. I felt my sanity crack. I started to claw at my own thoughts and it painfully tore at me, that I had to turn away from the crowd before me as I carried the cross, just so they couldn't see that tear forming.

My mother thinks I'm on drugs and my father cries in his room, saddened because I don't say hello to him. How can I...when I come home in tears. I have to run upstairs before they see and my mother thinks I'm hiding something. Says I hurt her feelings when I don't say hi. But I can't have her asking questions. No. She can't find out I'm breaking down. I'm not going back to that shrink!

I'm losing it...all my sanity. I'm going insane and its getting worse everyday. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what to say, I don't know whether to put on a face for everyone or let my feelings out hoping someone will care. Its constantly racking me. Its hard to keep up with the face and even when I do let my feelings go, I still hide them, hoping they won't see. I don't know what's wrong with me. And I don't think anyone will ever understand it. I don't even understand it.

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep, I'm tired of being so nice when people treat me like shit back, I'm tired of seeing me commit suicide in my mind, I'm tired of asking God to kill me, I'm tired of people laughing behind my back, I'm tired of fights, I'm tired of losing my sanity, I'm tired of being fucking depressed, I want this gone...but no matter what I do, nothing seems to make me feel better.

I need to get away...I need to be alone...People always saying "I'll call you back. Let's get together. Let's watch a movie." something...ends up happenening. No phone call...date gets changed but then nothing happens even on that day..I say I can't go to the movie and they get pissed off and don't even care that I wanna see it another time. So they blow me off.

Reading was...always my remote to the world...my ultimate pause button...I think...I'll lose myself there...better there than where my insanity is taking me now.

My weekend was pretty interesting. I didn't really do much Friday. At least I don't think I did. -blinks- Um...wow I can't even remember what I did that day. Oh wait, I went to the Zoo and saw Cassie and talked with her mom. Yeah. That was fun fun. But anyway. On Saturday I..went to Cassie's place and spent some time with her. And then I had to leave cuz her dad was coming home. He doesn't really like me. -snifflez- But then! I went to Kaity's house but not till like...11 at night. I spent from about 10 till then at Wendy's watching her work and helping a little ^_^. And of course falling over on the wet floor. lol. Sorry Joel!! Anyway, yeah.

Sunday, um...Kaity and I were just plain lazy. OMG!! I did the impossible! I talked to her dad and it wasn't so bad. Whew..finally. Took me long enough to say hello to him. Then after that I helped Kaity clean her room...um...somewhat. lol. Her mom was happy that she could finally SEE the floor. haha. Around 2ish we went to get some Chinese at China Inn. I'd never eaten there and it was pretty good. Except for the rice. That kind of sucked. But the rest of it was pretty good. But my chinese place is still way better. ;P Then I called my parents to check in and to let them know I was still alive...well...I ended up getting in huge trouble...just don't even wanna go there. But turns out my mom kind of understood and ended up letting me go back to Kaity's. Kaity had gone to Wendy's, so I met her there. Kaity had the kids so we went around with the three of them in our two cars to HEB, Hollywood Video, and Wallgreens. Looking for cards, baskets and just a bunch of christmas stufferz. The soon after we went back to Kaity's house and after a few cookies along with some milk, we left to go see the lights in Cuero. They were pretty awesome. I had never been there before.

Then when we were done looking, Kaity and I went to Wal-Mart to get a basket she wanted for this Christmas gift for someone. So we got the basket and left to her house. Her mom and her worked on putting the present together while I got online, then I watched as Kaity tried to wrap it. heh. It was pretty funny watching her try. A few minutes later I decided to leave. Got a What-a-burger on the way home then crashed in bed at around 12.

Yeah. It was fun.

I can't wait till next weekend when Kaity and I go to Nerd Fest. Its gonna rawk!

I'm not a nerd...-snifflez- ;)

That's what it was like. All night. Till 12 something. We fought. Back and forth.

This is like Kat and Mel all over again. Except this time, Mel wasn't there to save me...I was all alone in this battle.

I don't know how Mel did it when we fought like this and she wasn't on my side. I guess its because I understood her when she told me what I was really feeling why I was doing what I was doing. She was strong like that. She couldn't give a fuck how deep the truth it was she rooted. She did it without a second thought. And I'd always crumble under her. All those things she'd say killed me to the deep bone. Usually later as in a few days later, she'd apologize and say she didn't mean to say those things. Say that she never wanted to say those things. But she said them because...that I was so blind and stupid because I wouldn't stray away from Kat and go to her. And by the time I finally did. It was too late.

Cassie is playing Kat's role. The one who made me feel bad...and kept me coming back because I felt so bad. Kept believing she'd commit suicide. Except...Cassie's not threating that, just everything that has to do with me. She's already deleted me and blocked me on myspace. And I am enemy number one to her ex-boyfriend.

Kaity is playing Mel's role. She doesn't tell me harsh things like Mel did and make me feel stupid for my actions (even if they were), but she does make me think about why I stay around someone who keeps hurting me and mistreating me..just like Mel...just in a different way.

Right now I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I just want to stay away from everyone for a little while. But I doubt I'll do it. -sighs- Maybe I can just sit back and watch what happens.

These past days haven't been so good for me. This past week. Since that...day. I guess you can say. It's still hard for her and I know last night didn't help at all. And I wish there was something I could do to help, but I know there isn't anything I can say. I can't go back to her when I know I'd be lying to myself.

I've never been a real night owl, but these days I'm all turned 'round. There's only one thing I'm sure of right now. I should be sleepin' 'stead of keepin' these late hours I've been keepin'. I've been pacin' and retracin' every step of every move and even though I'm feelin' so right, I'm so happy still I know I should be sleepin' 'stead of dreamin' about you.

Yeah. I do enjoy what's going on now. And I hope it doesn't chnage any time soon.

I spent the night at Kaity's house last night and it rawked! Well, when I first got there, it was just funny. lol. She opens the door and apparentally I have this evil..weird possessed look on my face cuz she closes the door on me several times.

Toby attacked me and so I threw him out the window. lol. Or at least tried to. There was a draft in the room after that. -shivers- Anywhoo, after the attack of the dog mess, Kaity put on some anime porn that she downloaded for me. She had to translate for me since there wern't any English subs. XD!! Now THAT was a riot. "I smell a sweet smell." hahahaha.

Well..after THAT. Kaity decides to make popcorn. Yes..and she burns it. She burns it really bad. And I had to show her how to do it right. Her mom came out first and asked if we burned it and yeah, we apologized. Then her dad came out when Kaity and I were laughing and told us to get out of the kitchen and to get rid of the burnt popcorn too. He scares me. o.o So yeah...we scurried out there as quick as we could and I accidentally made something fall in the sink cuz Kaity turned out the lights. heh.

Then we tried to watch one of the anime's I brought over, but Kaity was too amused with her dog, Toby to watch. But that's okay. =P Afterwords...well...yeah...didn't expect it. But I liked it. ^_^ Hope Kaity did too. >.>;;

I have no idea why I am creating this again. I don't really like the fact that you can't go back and change your posts. That bugs me the most. Like if you just happen to miss a spelling error and then you see it every time you read your post...over and over. Gods that would drive me crazy not being able to correct it. Of course I bet if I complained I'd get bitched at with a comment such as, "You should have read over your post before you posted it!" Something...stupid like that. That obvious-of-all-advise you hear from your teachers. "Did you even read your essay before you handed it to me?" Alas, Live Journal is trying to teach me something isn't it? I have English teachers for that Live Journal, but thanks for helping I suppose.

I think this will be my babble spot since I don't feel like babbling on myspace. Myspace is a very personal space for me and I like to keep certain posts and delete the rest. Its where I know most of my friends as well, so I feel more comfortable saying my nonsense to strangers than to those who know me and fear my stupidness already. Its okay for ya'll to read it because I'll probably never meet you. Except for friends I might add on here that I know where I live.

I don't have much to say anymore now. I just broke up with my girlfriend and I'm still feeling the pain from it. I admit it wasn't easy. But I knew it had to be done sooner rather than later. I hope she'll be okay. She's rahter upset right now. Of course there's nothing I can do but wait for her to heal on her own.